The view along the banks of the Arakawa changes as you draw closer to the sea.
Tired-looking secretaries eating lunch.
An absent-minded old man fishing for crayfish.
And...
A young couple walking on the riverbank.
We're in the middle of our first date.
A princess in clown's lipstick kisses you awake from your nap
As you dreamers show your tickets, a VIP detective wishes you "t'athas"
There's no time right now for that, class starts in five minutes
Right now I've got to hurry, I meet you in five minutes
Venus is your neighbor, so why can't you feel the love
Jesus, I'm sure you're sitting right across from me
Pan, pan, here and there, pan, pan, not realizing
Ban, ban, that farce again, a heartbeat too late
A carefree kick for a greeting, my bare feet are always cut up
If you toss the chips in your hand at that girl, they just may be sparkling fireworks
If you don't say you like me, I can't hurry this feeling
There's no time to be shy, you'll be gone in five minutes
Venus, girls are always caught up in romantic dreams
Jesus, don't leave, hurry up and notice
Episode 25 "First Date"
Our first date was, by Nino's request, a trip to see the mouth of the Arakawa.
Warning
Swimming in the river is dangerous. Don't do it.
Arakawa
The distance from our bridge to the mouth is about 12 kilometers.
At this pace, it'll take us about three hours to get there.
Wow, you don't see that kind of bird often.
Hey, Ric.
What?
Do you always just do nothing but walk like this on dates?
Well, um...
How thoughtless of me. I was so relieved she accepted that I lost focus completely...
What are you talking about, Nino?
If this is a full-course meal, what we've done so far is only the hors d'oeuvre.
The main dish is yet to come!
It's the beginning of a wonderful journey of love!
Oh, really?
... Is what I said, but what do I do?
Huh, I look kinda cool posing like this...
If we don't keep walking we'll never reach the river mouth,
but just walking isn't any fun at all.
Let me tell you something, Nino.
The most important thing in love...
is a sense of distance!
A sense of distance?
Yes. I was up all night last night studying it.
You may worry about your misunderstandings when you're close,
Love Letter from Canada
but distance makes the heart grow fonder!
This is what's most important between men and women!
That's what
Yuji said.
Misunderstandings! Keeping your distance! Getting close! Right?
That's right! I knew you'd get it!
Then we're probably standing a little too close.
That's right. We're too close together for a first date.
I guess I'll take a couple steps back.
And then you can move a little to the right.
Be careful, the river's right behind you.
I know.
Still needs a little more.
Nino, can you go hide behind something like this?
Like this?
That's it! Just like that! This is...
The feeling of distance on a first date!
... I think.
I see!
I get it!
We can do this, Recruit.
Let's go!
Of course!
Oh no, Ric! There's nothing to hide behind!
Maybe..
Shall we try close but far away!?
A misunderstanding!?
That's getting our wires crossed!
What next, Ric?
What's the next feeling of distance, Recruit!?
Well, uhh... Next is...
The distance of hearts which understand each other!
This is-
The distance of hearts which understand each other!
What's this, Recruit!?
It's a ceremony to celebrate our newly-established distance.
I see.
We've done it, Nino. We're masters of the sense of distance!
What's next?
That's all!
Really, what's ne-
Absolutely nothing! Really!
Episode 26 "Relations between Planets/The Sexes"
Man, that's great.
Now we're officially masters of the sense of distance.
I'm glad it turned out that way. I was really starting to wonder what was going to happen.
Hey, Ric.
Aren't we just back to where we started?
Is this all dates are?
Come on, Nino! It's not over yet!
There's things you just have to do on a date, like, uh...
Holding you like a princess!
Like a princess?
That's right! The date hasn't really started until we do that!
How is that even supposed to work?
It's quicker to just show you.
Sit right down on me.
In front of me!
Oh, sorry.
Like this?
That's right!
Okay, here goes, Nino!
This is how I'm supposed to carry you!
I don't like being held like a princess, Recruit...
My arms can't take it anymore, either.
Dates seem pretty exhausting.
Yeah. Why don't we take a rest here?
Arakawa
We're almost to the river mouth.
Oh? It's just as busy here as I expected.
Yeah.
It feels funny being with Nino anywhere other than under that bridge...
That's right.
It's going well and we're finally on a date, so why don't I talk about something I can't normally?
Yeah, that's it. Something I was too hesitant to ask before.
Hey, now that I think of it, Nino.
The dress I gave you before must have been pretty tough to put on alone.
You looked great it in, though. You've probably worn ones like that a lot, right?
I'm kind of curious about your past.
Why?
Well, I figure I should learn more about my lover.
Ric...
I'm a Venusian now, and I always have been.
Is that bad?
Arakawa
Come on, Nino. Why are you making that face all of a sudden?
Well...
Arakawa
What's up?
That grass boat.
It's the one I set adrift upstream.
Wow, it's great that it made it this far!
It didn't make it to the sea.
Why she makes that face, what her past was like...
If I said I didn't want to pin it down, I'd be a liar.
But as her lover...
Ric!
There's only one thing for me to do now.
What are you doing, Ric!? It's dangerous!
It's okay!
Don't worry, Nino! That ship can keep-
Ric, you idiot! Get out of the water! You'll be washed-
Look, Nino!
The splashing freed the ship!
It wasn't much, but it worked.
It'll make it all the way to the Pacific!
All right, let's go.
Ric...
If you don't mind being with someone who is an Earthling, always has been, and always will be.
Let's go together.
Okay...
You're blushing, Nino. Are you feeling all right?
You're not in pain or anything?
No, it's just the sunset or something.
Whether we're from different planets or just a man and a woman,
Opposite Sex
"Interacting with another planet" and "interacting with the opposite sex" are pronounced the same way.
Episode 27 "Stella"
Everyone!
Line up!
Stance of Michael!
Stance of Sachiel!
Secret technique! Judas's Betrayal!
All right, you're all doing well.
Who's there!
Never move before I-
I wanted to meet Sister!
Stella...
Yeah!
You know her?
Wow, she's cute!
Yeah!
Hello everyone.
She speaks Japanese!
Wow, amazing!
Who is she, Sister?
Looks like I have to introduce her.
This is Stella.
She's a girl from the orphanage I ran in England.
England? Really?
Well, I knew he wasn't Japanese...
Honestly... It's not like I can turn you away.
I have to go call the home country.
One of you take care of her.
We'll do-
Wait, we can't. Today the guys from the lab are-
Yeah. They're-
I have to go fishing now, too.
But we can't just leave her alone. What do we do?
What do we do? Well, what do we do?
Here it comes...
It feels like someone's about to tell me to take care of her.
I don't want to, and I'm not good with kids.
Sorry, everyone, but there's plenty of people with too much spare time under this bridge.
I'm going to take this chance to escape.
What is that supposed to look like, the final episode?
Ric...
I have such a kind lover.
I think I have a lot to learn from their decisiveness.
Episode 28 "Let's Play Together"
This is a pain.
I don't even know what to talk with her about.
Maybe I can get her to go play by herself...
What is it?
Sorry! I'm just happy that I made a new big brother!
Wait, your siblings...
Now that I think of it, she grew up at an orphanage.
She doesn't have a relative in the world, does she!?
I only have my dad, but both of her parents are gone.
What's wrong?
That's right. I may only be playing at it for a day, but maybe I should be her big brother.
All right, Stella! Let's play!
Really!?
Yeah. What do you want to do? Anything's fine!
She's so happy... Was she alone after Sister left England?
Anything?
Of course!
Well, ummm...
She must have been so lonely.
I've never played with a girl, but I'll do whatever.
Stella wants to play...
With you...
A one-on-one fight!
Fly...a kite?
Not a Kite!
A brutal, no-holds-barred fight with our honour on the line!
I forgot that Sister raised her.
Episode 29 "Qualifications for a Big Brother"
A one-on-one fight...
She just doesn't know what that means...
What, Stella? You're already looking for a one-on-one fight?
Yeah!
You can't teach a little girl to play like that, Sister!
There's plenty of girly games for weak little girls!
Weak?
What, didn't you see it, Ric?
What?
Stella's special move, "Kamikaze".
Only someone like her could threaten my neck when I've got a gun aimed at her.
Wasn't that just a hug?
You let her do it because she's cute!
Really?
I'm always prepared to meet the enemy with full force.
Yeah, sure!
All right, Stella! Time for our one-on-one!
I'll just pretend to lose quick so she doesn't get hurt.
Oh man, you dodged me!
Not ba-
Stella!
Only go up to 3-hit combos on normal people!
Mistake!
What are you doing, Ric?
What am I doing? I wanna know what just happened!
I had a one-on-one match with him!
Oh? Not bad, Ric. You lost on purpose, didn't you?
On purpose? Did I?
I feel like I got beat so hard I was juggled, but I didn't really take her seriously.
I had a lot of fun!
Stella...
Well that's good..
How should I say it... While you're here, you can think of me as your big brother.
Ric... Thank you!
I've always issues with children, but well-behaved girls aren't that bad.
The winner of the fight is the one that gets to be the big brother.
Sorry, but from today on, you're the little brother.
The fish's done. You gonna have any?
Yeah!
A fairy with a Hiroshima accent?
I must be hearing things...
Episode 30 "Maria"
Watching children playing together truly does warm the heart.
Ric!
Hi! Nice weather today, isn't it?
Yeah.
Huh, maybe she really is a good girl.
There's no way she'd call me her little brother.
Hi, Stella!
What're you being all familiar about, Ric!
You've gotta at least give the boss a "Miss"!
Don't tell me you're Stella's-
Ric...
Do I need to teach you the right way to talk to your big brothers?
All right, let's go, guys!
Yes, boss!
I'm lowest on the totem pole!?
Why?
Why do I keep making more and more enemies?
Oh, you're here, Ric?
Sister!
Sorry, but can you help me with something?
I might need to move something heavy.
With this wagon? I guess.
If Sister can't move it, am I going to be able to?
I appreciate it.
What are we getting?
Cake ingredients.
I figured we'd hold a welcoming party for Stella.
Well, it'd probably be best if we did..
Did something happen?
No, nothing.
Anyway, a cake? So we're leaving the bridge to shop?
No, it's right there.
Right there?
Sister, do you hear something? I think I hear animals.
Heah, I guess. I mean, this is a farm.
This is where all of the riverbank's dairy products come from.
What's wrong, Ric?
What the hell is the government doing!?
What's it matter? The milk from here is great.
This place is probably run by a weirdo too, isn't it.
I don't want to meet anyone else.
What are you talking about? She's incredibly-
Oh, Sister!
Hello! How have you been?
Maria...
Maria? She's beautiful, and she looks so kind...
A perfect fit for the name...
Maybe that kappa does get names right sometimes.
Hi, I'm-
That's okay, you don't have to say anything.
You'll only be wasting the Earth's precious oxygen.
Maybe if people like you want to survive, you should learn how to breathe carbon dioxide and exhale oxygen.
That day, on the playground
We laughed without a reason
On my journey to pick up the pieces of my love
For some reason I'm always so lonely
I've got to get going, before the sky falls
Everything's in reverse, and I'm searching for you
Even though we're never going to arrive
Standing under the bridge, borne on the waves
We'll always be looking for an answer
Episode 31 "Bloodletting Service"
Are you okay, Ric?
What's going on, Sister?
It's like my existence was just fundamentally rejected...
I feel like she just told me to go die, but-!
Calm down, Ric.
I know she just called you "lower than grass", but that's how she shows her love.
"Lower than grass"!?
Sorry, Ric. To be honest, I'd already heard of you.
I just can't resist teasing cute people.
Teasing and that are on completely different levels!
You told me to die!
What if I had really lost my will to live!?
Ooh, I like the sound of that.
I think I like you.
I'm Maria. Pleased to meet you.
Sister, I really don't like her...
Everyone here is mean, but her poison tongue is just too much!
Ric.
Isn't that nice? She likes you.
Anyway, Maria.
I came for eggs and milk today.
We've got plenty.
That was scary...
Why did you have to glare at me like that?
I know it's not nice to say bad things about people,
but if she talked about you like that you'd hate it too!
Oh, Sister, can you stop casting a shadow?
The sun's got better things to do than warm you up.
Sorry.
He let it go!?
That habit must be hot.
Sorry.
You're annoying.
Sorry.
You transvestite.
I'm sorry.
Pervert.
Sorry.
Pedo.
Sorry.
Good-for-nothing.
I'm very sorry.
Old hag.
Sorry.
Otemoyan.
I'm showing my regret.
Inhuman.
Sorry.
Wow! He's putting up with all of that without even changing his expression!
You're so hard to get at.
What are you going to do now? That kind of thing won't work on Sister!
You're boring.
So-
Sister!
Oh my.
The sound was like an elephant collapsing.
Episode 32 "Arakawa Gag Contest"
We'll try a joke!
Iron Mask, falling back!
Ripoff
Sorry
Better luck next time
Here, Ric, have a cookie.
I don't really-
What, are you telling me you won't eat the cookies I made?
Fine, I'll eat them, okay?
Next time, 5 Bridge.
Huh, you really did eat it.
Wait, what's that remote controller in your hand!?
Please watch next time
Illustration: Ken Yagami